EDUCATION, EDUCATION, EDUCATION...

Not for nothing is the English education system identified as the finest in the world. Maybe it’s our flexibility of approach, our constant adaptation to the shifts & variations in the socio-cultural tides, that provide our approach to curriculum management with its breadth & depth.

The two 16+ Mathematics examination papers featured here (smuggled to me under plain cover by an insider at QCA) indicate clearly those qualities. Their acknowledgement of significant differences in needs & priorities between our maintained & private sectors shows enlightenment & imagination. Small wonder our scholastic prowess is the envy of the world...

MATHS EXAMINATION FOR STATE SCHOOLS

Name   _____________________________

Nickname _____________________________

Gang Name _____________________________

1. Simon has 0.5 kilos of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Matt for 300 quid and 90 grams to Ollie for 90 quid a gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?

2. Damon pimps 3 bitches. If the price is £40 a ride, how many jobs per day must each bitch perform to support Damo's £500 a day crack habit?

3. Junkster wants to cut the kilo of cocaine he bought for 7,000 quid, to make a 20% profit. How many grams of strychnine will he need?

4. Trev got 6 years for murder. He also got £350,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends £33,100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out? (Extra Credit Bonus: How much more time will Trev get for killing the slapper that spent his money?)

5. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square metres and the average letter is 1 square metre, how many letters can be sprayed with eight fluid ounce cans of spray paint with 20% extra paint free?

6. Liam steals Jordan's skateboard. As Liam skates away at a speed of 35mph, Jordan loads his brother's Ruger 9mm semi-automatic pistol. If it takes Jordan 20 seconds to load the gun, how far will Liam have travelled when he gets whacked?

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MATHS EXAMINATION FOR PRIVATE SCHOOLS

Name____________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________
(If longer, please continue on separate sheet)

School ___________________________________

Daddy's Company __________________________

1. Harry smashes up the old man's car, causing X amount of damage and killing three people. The old man asks his local CC to intervene in the court system, then forges his insurance claim and receives a payment of y. The difference between x and y is three times the life insurance settlement for the three dead people. What kind of car is Harry driving now?

2. Fiona's personal shopper decides to substitute generic and own-brand products for the designer goods favoured by her employer. In the course of a month she saves the price of a return ticket to Fiji and Fiona doesn't even notice the difference. Is she thick or what?

3. If Verity throws up four times a day for a week she can fit in a size 8 Versace. If she only throws up three times a day for two weeks, she has to make do with a size 10 Dolce & Gabbana. How much does liposuction cost?

4. Rupert is unsure about his sexuality. Three days a week he fancies women. On the other days he fancies men, ducks and vacuum cleaners. However, he only has access to the Dyson every third week. When does his "Sunday Independent" column start?